Almost back to normal after a very unawesome saturday night. Was making nachos and trying to get Ten to cheer up (he's been a bit of a grumble bum lately) so we could go out to a party, when I started feeling wierd. Heart racing, power of speech almost lost, was very disorientated, felt like I was impartially watching wierd things happen to my body. Went to the bedroom to have a lie down then somehow my messed up brain realised something was really wrong so I made Ten get my epipen, just in case. I'm not sure if I was in denial or it's just been so long, but for some reason I was sure it couldn't be wheat, even though wheat eating people use the kitchen here everyday and there are a million ways contamination could have happened.
All in all it took about 20 mins for me to realise what was going on then use the epi. Ten seemed very shaken, our friends arrived ready to take us to the party, I figured I had all this energy anyway so I might as well go (adrenalin, believe it or not, keeps you awake for aaaages). Stupid me, but I didn't want to be left home alone and I didn't want to have to beg Ten to stay with me, cos I feel like he misses out on enough things because of my illness anyway. Should really have just stayed home though, because I'd left it so long to take the epi and I was so far from being ok. Ten left the party we were at to go and hang out with the boys, I hung out for about half an hour then went home.
Couldn't sleep, as is always the case, lay on the bed thinking of a thousand different ways that wheat could kill me and figuring out a plan of attack so this NEVER has to happen again (impossible but a girl can try). Still no word from Ten, messaged him to ask where he was but nothing back. He didn't arrive home till eleven the next morning, I told him that I was scared and didn't understand why he would leave me on that night of all nights. We argued, I started to pack my bags, he cried and told me he was sorry and that he knows he's been treating me like shit lately, we patched things up but I still feel like I can't trust him to look after me.
Having a girlfriend with a chronic illness can't be fun, I know, and financially he has supported us both for the last year while I try to get Emerald Arts up and running. But I can't help feeling like I'm pretty far down his priority list, somewhere after hanging out with friends and going out drinking. It seems like every time I get really sick or need his support he falls down... whereas I can be sick, working on an assignment, making stock... and I'll still make him dinner and make sure we have enough clean clothes. I need to find a way to get him to understand how important it is that I know he will be there if I need him, but I'm sick of nagging him to care.
Sorry, that's all rather depressing, but I have a right leg that feels like lead and am not feeling my usual chirpy self today. So I'm making pretty pictures on photoshop instead. Let's just look at those and forget about problems for a while...
We're doing abstract paintings next in class, so I've been making small watercolour studies that I will then (hopefully) blow up large scale and paint in acrylics.
Spiky tropical fishy.... not sure if I like this one.
Ugh, butterflies. I wish I could love them.... I tried.... but I think Mariah Carey has ruined them for me.
A jelly blubber in amongst the seaweed. Which brings me to last week's amazing art shop find. I went in to get a couple of different sorts of paper so I could experiment with watercolours and was talken into buying a pack of little A7 books. For a whole $12 I got ten different books, watercolour paper, acrylinc painting pad (which this was created on), oil painting paper, tracing... such an all sort.
I think the jelly blubber works better in the first one, but I like the seaweed surround better in this one.
So that's me for now. Pretty wiped out at the moment so I'm going to have a nap before trying to do any more work today. Annoying because I missed Tafe last week due to illness, have to try to stay away from people as much as possible so I don't get sick again, can't miss any more class. I love it too much. Anyway, don't fret, your Emmeline is going to be ok, just taking it easy for a bit.
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2 comments:
Emmeline I am fretting so don't tell me not too.
The best time to talk about that to Ten is maybe at a restaurant over coffee so that you are not in your own house and both shut down.
So it isn't like nagging but it is like having a discussion.
Make sure not to put him on the defensive, but something like 'So what happened, you knew what was going on with me? And not to come home till 11 the next day. What is going on with you?'
Also be open to hear what he has to say if he has complaints about you.
Love you.
by the way I love the bird picture on top of what looks like water colours, you do those brilliantly.
xooxo
haha yeah he has plenty of complaints about me, I'm messy, I smoke when I'm stressy, I'm always broke and I hate being touched when I'm sick. But whatever I am, if he needs me, I'm there, so it was kind of a shock that he wasn't.
We had a massive talk, but I'm still not really sure what the problem was. He's just so social, every night has to go somewhere, do something. Hates to think of our friends doing something without him I think.
Used to be I was the closed off one and he was the affectionate one. He'd tell me the most beautiful things all the time and always want to be touching, just connected. Maybe living together killed the romance bit and now I'm just a glorified housemate. Who knows. But I'm done with letting his moods colour mine. If he wants to be a cranky pants let him :P
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