Pea soup topped with truffle oil: Truffle oil is the lazy chef's way to add value, by which I mean charge more.
Mesquite-grilled Amish organic free-range chicken, served with Fijian mango chutney and accompanied by foraged mushrooms: It should never take longer to describe your dish than to eat it. Mango chutney was innovative when Bobby Flay did it in 1978. Foraged mushrooms? Amish chicken? Who gives a shit about who picked the mushrooms or if the people who raised the chicken wear bonnets?
Wasabi-crusted salmon with orange-ginger coulis: Unless it's bread, pizza, or pie, it shouldn't have a crust.
Cruelty-free Berkshire pork with shallot reduction and Yukon potato gnocchi: Nobody wants to be cruel, but you did kill the thing—what's cruelty-free about that?
YOU GOT SERVED Anthony BourdainCayenne pepper-infused, freeze-dried chocolate nuggets bathed in marshmallow-star anise foam: There are maybe two or three decent practitioners of molecular gastronomy in the world, so unless your name is Ferran Adrià, leave the foam on your latte.
Be sure to sample our selection of flavored salts, and please await the water sommelier: A chef who offers anything other than sea salt probably refers to himself in the third person. When the water sommelier comes over, I reach for my gun.
Chocolate martini: Both chocolate and liquor are good in bars, but ordering them together announces that you don't like or appreciate either. Anyone who requests this drink should also get a T-shirt that says "I am an asshole, please take my money."
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