Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Anthony Bourdain's Pet Hates

Pea soup topped with truffle oil: Truffle oil is the lazy chef's way to add value, by which I mean charge more.

Mesquite-grilled Amish organic free-range chicken, served with Fijian mango chutney and accompanied by foraged mushrooms: It should never take longer to describe your dish than to eat it. Mango chutney was innovative when Bobby Flay did it in 1978. Foraged mushrooms? Amish chicken? Who gives a shit about who picked the mushrooms or if the people who raised the chicken wear bonnets?

Wasabi-crusted salmon with orange-ginger coulis: Unless it's bread, pizza, or pie, it shouldn't have a crust.

Cruelty-free Berkshire pork with shallot reduction and Yukon potato gnocchi: Nobody wants to be cruel, but you did kill the thing—what's cruelty-free about that?

YOU GOT SERVED Anthony BourdainCayenne pepper-infused, freeze-dried chocolate nuggets bathed in marshmallow-star anise foam: There are maybe two or three decent practitioners of molecular gastronomy in the world, so unless your name is Ferran AdriĆ , leave the foam on your latte.

Be sure to sample our selection of flavored salts, and please await the water sommelier: A chef who offers anything other than sea salt probably refers to himself in the third person. When the water sommelier comes over, I reach for my gun.

Chocolate martini: Both chocolate and liquor are good in bars, but ordering them together announces that you don't like or appreciate either. Anyone who requests this drink should also get a T-shirt that says "I am an asshole, please take my money."

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